McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Prospectus for Silicon Valley’s Next Hot Tech IPO, Where Nothing Could Possibly Go Wrong.

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/prospectus-for-silicon-valleys-next-hot-tech-ipo-where-nothing-could-possibly-go-wrong

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Prospectus for Silicon Valley’s Next Hot Tech IPO, Where Nothing Could Possibly Go Wrong.

Form S-1
Registration Statement
Under
The Securities Act of 1933

Ponzify, Inc.

LETTER FROM THE FOUNDERS

Forget Facebook. Forget Groupon. Forget everything you know about Silicon Valley. Because Ponzify isn’t like other tech companies. We don’t promise results. We show them to you, on a piece of paper, that has your name and a monetary figure that increases every month.

Our business model is simple: Attract users, advertisers, positive press and a corporate buyer; then, pull the cord on that golden parachute and have cable news book you as an expert on startups from time to time. There may be a book deal in there, too. We haven’t decided.

Users love our product because it’s something free. Venture Capitalists love it because they can imagine themselves talking about it at T.E.D. or on Charlie Rose. Trust us: Once you invest in Ponzify, you’ll have a difficult time investing your money anywhere else ever again.

THE OFFERING

Ponzify, Inc., is offering 15,000,000 shares of its Class A stock. Several times, in fact. Ask enough questions, we’ll let you in on the super secret Class B voting shares. Threaten to go to the SEC, and we’ll meet you near the airport. Just to talk.

We anticipate the initial public offering price of our Class A common stock will be between $35 and $42 per share. Mind you, the bank we hired to underwrite this transaction is privately telling its other clients something entirely different. Something about a guaranteed swing in the stock price and a big pay day for insiders. Sounds sweet. Wish we could get in on that

We expect to list our Class A common stock under the symbol PNZI.

RISK FACTORS

An investment in Ponzify involves significant risks.

User metrics
A significant portion of our income is derived from advertisers who still buy this whole “clicks” and “page count” business. Thus, we plan a vigorous defense of our current metrics while making up new ones with impressive-sounding names. For instance, KonBuy (short for “Konfirmation Bias”) scores the popularity of apps and websites based on whether their titles are intentionally misspelled portmanteaus.

Age Factor
Our CEO, CFO, COO and a bunch of other acronyms were all born after Nirvana released “Nevermind”.

Experience
Did you watch that two-part Frontline special on PBS about the inside story of the global financial crisis? We did. We were like “Dude, that’s like what we’re doing!”

SPECIAL NOTE REGARDING
FORWARD-LOOKING STATEMENTS

This prospectus contains forward-looking statements. For instance, “Our company is built upon a viable revenue model” is a forward-looking statement. All statements other than statements of historical fact, particularly those made by our founders to the press, shareholders or women in bars, will be considered forward-looking statements.

USE OF PROCEEDS

We assume that the net proceeds from the sale of our Class A stocks will net us about $600 million. That money will be used to purchase office space as well as a variety of office equipment, including Dig Dug, Dragon’s Lair and Frogger. We figure that due to the bloated staff size we intend to maintain for far too long, we’ll need at least two Trons. Also, we plan to pay the following celebrities to appear at our recklessly expensive 1st anniversary party: Leonard Nimoy, Don Rickles, The Rolling Stones, the U.S. women’s volleyball team and the entire cast of Game of Thrones (who will be asked to appear costumed and in character).

BUSINESS

Overview
Ponzify is a solutions-oriented global technology leader that specializes in selling paper products.

How we generate revenue
We employ a three-prong strategy to generate revenue.

1. Investment
Until now, if someone asked us if we had V.C., we’d make a joke about how, no, we use condoms. We still make that joke, but now Venture Capitalists hand us a check for a few million every time we do. Apparently, just saying “mobile strategy” is enough of a mobile strategy.

2. Advertising
We tried selling our product to users but that failed miserably; so, we turned to an ad-driven model. The way it works is, we give away the product for free, then lure advertisers with the promise of connecting them to millions of people who hate to pay for things. Amazingly, it works.

3. Accounting
Our primary measurement of revenue is a non-GAAP accounting principle known as Adjusted Consolidated Assumed Income (ACAI). ACAI is an ancient accounting remedy that can slow the aging process of most balance sheets and rejuvenate the face of any company, no matter what the medical community or the FTC might tell you.

CERTAIN RELATIONSHIPS
AND PARTY-RELATED TRANSACTIONS

Indemnification of officers and directors
This was, like, the first thing we did. Well, negotiate our golden parachutes, then this.

Indebtedness of Management
Management is fine. It’s the company you should be worried about. 

Read the article online here: McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Prospectus for Silicon Valley’s Next Hot Tech IPO, Where Nothing Could Possibly Go Wrong.

Just because its not safe doesn`t mean #gold`s not going up - Gartman - WHATS NEW - Mineweb.com Mineweb

"The trend for gold is still from the lower left to the upper right. I think that you want to own gold in dollar terms, I think you want to own gold in euro terms, I think you need to own gold in yen terms and quite honestly at this point, given the economic circumstances, I think you'd like to be long of gold and short the stock market."

Just because its not safe doesn't mean gold's not going up - Gartman

Dennis Gartman believes that while it is a speculative play, the yellow metal is going to continue on its route from the bottom left to the upper right hand side of the graph

Author: Geoff Candy
Posted:  Wednesday , 06 Jun 2012

GRONINGEN (Mineweb) - 
With all the uncertainty engendered by the crisis in Europe, the slowdown in Asia and the poor performance of the US, much has been made lately of gold's place in the world order.
There are some that see gold as the currency of last resort, a mirror to the sickening fiat currencies that are racing each other to the bottom. Others, like Dennis Gartman, author of The Gartman Letter have a different view.

"Safe harbours are where the money that you put into it is precisely, within a percent or two, the money that you get out of it. Safe harbours are safe. Gold is anything but safe. Safe harbours don't do what gold did last Friday when it rallied 2.5%. - that is clearly a speculative harbour, he told Mineweb's Gold Weekly podcast.

But, while he does not believe that " all fiat currencies are going down the drain in one effective flush" Gartman does believe that, at the moment, there is a strong investment case for the yellow metal.

"The trend for gold is still from the lower left to the upper right. I think that you want to own gold in dollar terms, I think you want to own gold in euro terms, I think you need to own gold in yen terms and quite honestly at this point, given the economic circumstances, I think you'd like to be long of gold and short the stock market."

This view, he says, is consistent with a consistent philosophy, a consistent economic outlook, at least for the next several months.

For Gartman, much of this view has to do with the "clear recessionary, and perhaps in some terms depressionary circumstances that prevail in Europe".

He says eventually the European Central Bank, despite Germany's protestations, will have to monetise sovereign debt of all the nations in Europe. And, while this is going on, the Federal Reserve will have to continue to err on the side of easy monetary policy all of which is likely to be good for gold.

Gartman adds that the probabilities of growth in the western world are relatively minimal especially because the odds of growth of the kind that the West needs from China
"The chance of the type of double digit rates we need has probably also diminished for the next six months to a year or more before the expansionary policies and the monetary authorities can really begin to take hold."

Under that environment, he says, "most commodity prices are probably not going to do that well.

"If you are long $X of gold short $X of copper over the course of the next six months to a year, you're going to do quite well.

Read the article online here: Just because its not safe doesn`t mean gold`s not going up - Gartman - WHATS NEW - Mineweb.com Mineweb

The MasterMetals Blog

Paulson #Gold Fund Said to Extend Slump With 13% May Loss - Bloomberg

Paulson Gold Fund Said to Extend Slump With 13% May Loss

By Kelly Bit - Jun 6, 2012

John Paulson, the billionaire hedge- fund manager seeking to reverse record losses in 2011, posted a 13 percent decline last month in his Gold Fund as bullion and mining stocks fell, said a person briefed on the returns.
The loss leaves the fund, which can buy derivatives and other gold-related investments, down 23 percent this year.
Armel Leslie, a spokesman for New York-based Paulson & Co., which manages about $24 billion, declined to comment on the returns, some of which were reported earlier today by Business Insider.
To contact the reporter on this story: Kelly Bit in New York at kbit@bloomberg.net
To contact the editor responsible for this story: Christian Baumgaertel at cbaumgaertel@bloomberg.net
 

Paulson Gold Fund Said to Extend Slump With 13% May Loss - Bloomberg